This has been a whirlwind of a week, as I eagerly awaited the third disappointing apocalypse of my life. The first, obviously, was Y2K, and the second December 12, 2012. A couple of weeks ago, a coworker whose daughter goes to a private Catholic school told me that the apocalypse would be taking place on September 23, 2015. I asked how her daughter is privy to such information; well, she informed me matter of factly, it’s all over her school–and it’s all over The Innernets. Well!
I love a good apocalypse, so I was all over this. Googling “September” resulted in auto-completed “September 23, 2015 apocalypse.” OMG! It was true! And, actually, the sheer among of converging(ish) major occurrences really is a mess of unlikely coincidences:
- September 23: Pope Francis visits Washington, D.C. (where I live), and particularly the White House (two blocks from where I work–listen, this is all about me).
- September 23: Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement in the Jewish faith…I’m not Jewish, but still!)
- September 24: 500 days from the day French Foreign Minister announced at U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry’s side that “we have 500 days until climate chaos!” (OK, so, this one was actually really creepy to me when I discovered it…what kind of thing is that to announce publicly unless there’s something to it?! Also, I met John Kerry once and he is a total fucking asshole and based on our limited exchange, I would guess he would probably be all for total climate chaos if it got him some attention. Or else maybe he was having a bad day.) Anywho, day 500 came and went and so far the weather has been pretty nice.
- September 27: The moon is supposed to turn “blood red” at approximately 8:30 p.m. Eastern time, as the Earth passes between the sun and the moon, causing a total lunar eclipse.
- September 28: Sukkot/Tabernacles (Jewish holy day…I’m still not Jewish, but still!)
- September 28: NASA has announced that tomorrow, September 28, it will make a “major announcement about Mars.”
NASA has made a few major announcements about Mars over the years. Specifically:
- 2001: NASA announced signs of water on Mars.
- 2006: NASA announced signs of water on Mars.
- 2011: NASA announced signs of water on Mars.
- March 2015: NASA announced signs of water on Mars.
What could tomorrow’s big announcement be? Believe it or not, most people expect that NASA will rock our world by announcing water on Mars. Also, the new scientifically rigorous movie The Martian will be coming out on October 2–presumably, Matt Damon’s character has access to water while stranded on Mars. But does the movie title suggest that there could be life on Mars–a real-life Martian? I sure hope so, because I’m sort of tired of NASA’s big announcements about finding water on Mars. Let’s get the show on the road, people. We’ve been conditioned…bring on the ETs!
I was really hoping that the Pope and Obama would walk out on the Congressional balcony holding hands with a charming little Grey who would speak in bleeps and bloops and announce that we have an intergalactic treaty of peace t
hat would involve sending John Travolta and Tom Cruise back to their leader on planet Gleepglorp. A small part of me feared that Pope Franky, the Big O (not Oprah; the other one) and Grand Master Grey would announce that we have an intergalactic treaty of human enslavement that would involve shackling our soul essences to an extraterrestrial work camp, suggested by the Jade Helm concentration camp Dutch clogs theories (connected to many of the 9/23 alarmist sites my coworker directed me to), but fortunately that didn’t come to pass, either. And also, whatever the fuck that Jade Helm shit was all about, its logo is by far one of the creepiest and most disturbing things this country has ever publicly issued. Seriously, look that shit up.
Really, the whole September 2015 apocalypse so far has been lackluster, and so I’ve resorted to entertaining myself this weekend with some of the best movies ever made–and which relate to all these end-of-days and Red Planet references.
(Aside: In truth, I’m not really afraid of an evil alien agenda because, hey, I have Lyme disease and between the nerve and joint pains I’ve experienced, the torture of cluster headaches, the disgusting and disorienting vertigo attacks, brain fog, and medical tests involving electricity and needles pricked all over my body, not much scares me anymore. I’ve lived hell–really–so the prospect of being tortured by space critters doesn’t bother me so much. But getting over my fears hasn’t totally numbed me to the excitement of an apocalypse or the dark lords of the Vatican, the White House, and other elected officials.)
I am excited about tonight’s blood moon because it’s a real-life materialization of a dream that I had throughout my childhood, from probably age five well into my teens, in which the full moon slowly changed from pallid to scarlet, with liquid fire the color of blood slowly creeping across the surface until the moon overflowed onto the Earth and set my house ablaze. (In the dream, my mother and sister grabbed my brother–a Yorkshire terrier–and drove off in the car, leaving my father and me to burn alive. Please submit your Freudian analyses of that in the comments section below.)
Tonight at 8:30, weather providing, the full pallid moon will slowly turn the color of blood. Physics suggests that it will not pour molten lava down onto the Earth, but hey, let’s pretend this was a premonition that has been a lifetime coming. What could it mean?
Well, first, NASA is set to make a big announcement about Mars–the Red Planet–the day after the apparition of the fourth blood moon in two years. A week before The Martian comes out. Days after the Pope came to Washington, days after the French guy predicted “total climate chaos.”
I’m watching some of my favorite movies this weekend. First was Mulholland Drive–all about the confused relationships between dreams and disastrous reality. Next was Eyes Wide Shut, about the reality and real dangers of secret societies. Then Melancholia, in which a disturbed, depressed, and lifeless person comes to life only as a deadly red planet approaches on a deadly collision course. And now, 2001: A Space Odyssey, which deals with the evolution of man from ape to space traveler to transcendent being.
And so, in summary, doesn’t the blood moon bear a striking resemblance to HAL? By which I mean, they’re both red circles. Could this possibly be a coincidence???!
And so, in summary, none of it means anything unless it does, which, if it does, I probably will not be posting an update.
But one thing is certain: the imagined parts of life are by far the most fascinating.
Categories: Commentary, Entertainment, Movies
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